remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
