please come you make the beer taste better
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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