covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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