My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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