His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
