Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
