Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
