Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Drunk is not a location!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
