I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
