I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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