apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
