i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
