talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
