DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
