Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
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