Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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