Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
