have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
