have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I think your dad took our porno
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
