Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
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I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
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Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED