The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
