Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
