I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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