I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
My underwear smells like fireworks.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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