i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Randomize
