we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
