You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
How external is "for external use only"?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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