Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
