youre lurking in front of me
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I booty called her while she was in labor.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
