i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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