I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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