I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
