i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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