When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
