I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
