Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
