I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I stole a fireplace last night.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
