Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
false alarm, still single
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
