She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
