hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
