I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
