Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
