the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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