He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
