She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
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Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
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I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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