My friends, they love my intelligence
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
