I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
