fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
