I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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