Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
