3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
we have pet lesbian snakes
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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