I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
