my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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