I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
